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Tempe Lake to Get 1.6MSF ‘Nessy’ Project

Nebraska's capitol is Lincoln; first part of subhead does not relate directly to this story

Rendering courtesy of Tsao, Foo-Yung & BeefWithBroccoli

By Matthew Hask for Arizona Builder’s Exchange

City officials signed off today on a massive construction project, which promises to become a major international attraction on the north shore of the Tempe Town Lake.

Developer Spurious & Blunder Equities LLC – the U.S. subsidiary of Scotland-based Ignis Fatuus Industries Intl. – plans to break ground late this summer on Nessyland U.S.A., a 1.6MSF aquarium and amusement park, office complex and multifamily mixed-use development, according Spurious & Blunder Vice President of Development Karl Hungus.

“This will be the absolutely hugest and most-classiest aquarium/amusement park/multifamily/office project ever seen in Tempe,” said Hungus. “I swear, everyone is gonna totally freak out when they see how classy and huge this thing is gonna be, for sure.”

The project is the brainchild of award-almost-winning architect Kung Pao of design firm Tsao, Foo-Yung & BeefWithBroccoli, who first conceived of Nessyland after he suffered a traumatic brain injury while vacationing in Scotland. Dazed with excitement over the new amusement park concept, Kung immediately struck up a serious business arrangement with a group of local fisherman, who assured him they will be able to deliver the park’s star attraction in time a March 2017 grand opening.

“The central attraction of the aquarium will be, of course, the Loch Ness monster,” said Kung. “With the opening of Nessyland, Tempe will join the ranks of the world’s most sought-after attractions, such as Kona Hawaii’s famous scenic urinal or the ruins of Chernobyl.”

“Also, it’s extremely important to consider … uuhhh … apples!” Kung added before passing out unexpectedly.

The facility will be built in three phases and will include a family-friendly aquarium, which will feature the Scottish monster, along with various aquatic species indigenous to the Town Lake. In addition, the project will feature an 11-story office component with ground floor retail and underground parking, a 543-key luxury hotel, a 372-unit high-end condominium community, and a coffee machine.

Though no public records, officials or stakeholders were willing to offer any more details or confirmation, I heard from Madge down at the salon, while we sat beneath the automatic hair dryers, that Spurious & Blunder were also planning to purchase coffee filters for the coffee machine component of the project. Even though this were unconfirmed and likely just a rumor, I chose to report this fact anyway, because, you know … apples!

City stipulations require the developer to break ground no later than June 2019. The developer stated that no financing has yet to be arranged for the $850M project, but suggested he knew a bunch of guys who would for sure want to get in on this action.

April Fun

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